walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
