At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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