There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
