yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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