I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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