just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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