Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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