Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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