I'm gonna have a badass scar
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
