I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My vagina is very pro this idea
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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