I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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