There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
