You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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