Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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