Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
