And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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