if i can run in heels then i can drive
I CAN MOONWALK!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
