"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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