When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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