I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
