totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
