she looked like the before picture.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize