i just made my gag reflex go away.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
