Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
