I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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