Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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