You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
