No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
