Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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