is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
