the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
