I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
