I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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