You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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