Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So much Jack, so little girl.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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