dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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