she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
