my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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