I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
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