i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
