I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
