Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
