Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
