you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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