After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
