At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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