We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
BRING THE BAGELS
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
