At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
