i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I could make wine with my vomit
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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