I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
