just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Your mouth is God's brothel.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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